To Thine Own Self Be True?
by Lirulin
Summary: Narcissa has always been a good girl, upholding the family name, listening to her parents … but is this really what she wants or believes in? Narcissa’s POV, Marauders era NBxSB yeah, you read that right


**To Thine Own Self Be True?**

_by Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, nothing belongs to me. J.K. Rowling owns everything. And the title belongs to Shakespeare, just so you know. Wouldn't want him mad at me for stealing his famous quotes.

The idea just popped into my head randomly and begged to be written. It's quite an unusual pairing, but I thought it fit so please give it a try.

* * *

I'm a Black and I always do what's expected of me. 

I'm now in my 7th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I wish this year would never end. I know it's silly to wish for something like that. Even in the Wizarding World there's nothing like fairies appearing and granting you three wishes.

I'm dreading the next sommer, because then, I'll have to marry. I can tell no one how much I already despise the 23rd of July. Not one of my so called friends would understand it. All of them are in hysterics about it, going "Oh Narcissa! You're so lucky! He's the perfect match and soo good looking!" or "Do you already have your dress? I know this wonderful shop and..." By this time I'm normally tuning them out.

Why can't they see that my life will be practically over this time next year?

I'll have to marry the world's most arrogant prat: Mr. Lucius "I'm holier than thou" Malfoy. There really are few people that I dislike more than him.

But of course, my family thought him to be the best. He's extremly rich, extremly pure-blooded (the Malfoy's can prove purity of blood back to the founders time), and extremly into the dark arts. Which, in the eyes of my parents, is a very good quality.

So a marriage contract was drawn up this summer. Of course, I didn't have any say in it, it's all about the family honour and the continuation of the lineage. Oh, how I wish I could tell them what I'm thinking, just once.

I've never done it, I always back down, I'm always silent never saying anything. I know I'm a coward but I somehow can't help it. I depend on my family, I don't know what I'd do without them, despite their beliefs and their behaviour.

I really admire Andromeda. She's so strong, she stood up to our parents, to Bellatrix, who has such a vicious temper. She always said out loud what she thought about their ways.

And then she really had the courage to turn her back on the family, to leave, to be with the man she loved (a Muggle by the name of Ted), against all the ragings of our mother.

She was willing to take the disownment and she's so happy now. I know, because I'm still in contact with her, in secret of course. Everyone was banned from ever speaking to her again, so this is probably the most rebellious thing I've ever done in my life.

Andromeda married this Muggle and now has a little daughter of 4 years. She send me pictures of herself, her husband and little Nymphadora. They all look so happy, so radiant and whenever I watch the pictures, I become so incredibly sad.

Sometimes, when I'm laying awake at night, I'm hating myself. I'm so weak, it's detestable. Andromeda risked everything, and found true happiness and I? I'm drifting towards a completely miserable life.

I know what it will be like. I'll marry Lucius, have a son and then that's it. I'll spend my life being a "society lady", throwing splendid parties, attending every ball, every gala dinner and mingle with the top people in the ministry and others that "matter".

But apart from that it will be empty and cold. Mindless chatter with people you barely know, no real friends, no love, no nothing.

It's of course natural that there can be no love. I don't think Lucius is able to love anyone. It's just a political marriage on mutual benefits.

I hate this cold, "upper class" world, where everything is just about money and social standing and pure blood and proper behaviour and power.

Sometimes I can feel the cold physically.

Sometimes I feel myself freezing up from the inside.

I don't want to become like this, without any emotions. I like to feel. To just stand at the edge of the lake, watching the sunset and crying because it's so beautiful.

But I know I won't be able to escape it. My life is predestined, drawn out in front of me like a scenario from a horror show.

Why, oh why does it have to be Lucius Malfoy? Why can't I choose for myself who I want to marry?

I despise him, and I also fear him. I know he's involved with Voldemort (yes, I'm calling him that, if only in my thoughts, because in front of my family I have to call him the Dark Lord. All of them agree with his way of doing things.). I know that he's a part of the Death Eaters and I suspect that he's even right in the Inner Circle.

And that's what's scaring me so. I know what the Death Eaters are doing, having first hand accounts from Bellatrix who practically worships Voldemort. My parents are so proud of her. I normally have to excuse myself when she tells about another raid. It's all so hideous, they commit crimes so terrible that I could throw up repeatedly and yet, my parents compliment her on it.

Sometimes I want to scream and never stop, but I can't.

They are killing whole villages of Muggles, torturing them, even little children, and then they are saying that they " are doing the Wizarding World a favour by ridding them of yet more filthy Muggles".

There aren't words strong enough to describe the loathing I feel towards this whole cause.

I don't see their point! Why should Muggles be inferior to us? Ok, so they can't do magic, but they have invented some truly great things.

I'm also not into the whole pure-blood – mudblood issue. Some of the Muggleborns in school are way better than the purebloods in Slytherin. And they are really nice people.

Of course, I can tell no one of these thoughts, they would stone me instantly. It's expected that I fully support the "Dark Lord's" cause, my parents would love me to get the mark.

So far I could ward them of with saying that it would marr my otherwise perfect skin (they really believe that I am that vain, always thinking about my looks), but I don't know if that will work anymore when I'm married to Lucius. I'm almost certain that he has it in him to force me into it.

I'm so scared!

I don't want such a life, but I know that I'm too weak to change anything.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, sometimes I don't want to continue anymore. I've thought about ending it all, but then again... I'm too proud to do it. Or perhaps I'm too afraid to do it.

888

Breakfast time this morning is as always. All the Slytherins are sitting poised, completely still, almost like statues.

That's really how it is in Slytherin. Life is frozen.

I can't help looking over at the Gryffindor table. Everything's so alive there. They are talking loudly, don't care if something spills over, they are just having so much fun.

My eyes are drawn to my cousin, Sirius. He's talking animatedly with his little group of friends, waving his arms in the air and laughing loudly.

And I feel the familiar stab of envy running through me.

I want to be over there.

I want to be laughing this freely as well.

Sirius – he was also so strong, like Andromeda. I very well remember the shouting matches he and my aunt had at some of the family gatherings. At one he outright called her a "dark-arts infested old hag" and that the Dark Lord was a "complete nutter who was hit over the head one too many times and should better kick the bucket sooner than later".

He was saying what I was thinking all along, albeit in a bit more colourful way.

I really envied him that day for being so courageous and just stating his opinion.

And then, last year, he ran away. Left the family for good and went to his best friend, James Potter. He didn't care that he was blasted off of the family tree and disowned immediatly, he even said he was "glad to no longer be associated with a family of lunatics who follow mad Dark Lords".

Of course, we don't have any contact with him anymore. We didn't see much of him before either, because our parents thought he would be a bad influence. He always was different from the rest of us.

Now I wish I had talked with him more often. Perhaps I could've told him what I'm really thinking and what I'm really feeling. Perhaps I would've had a real friend in him ... and maybe even more.

Because I have to admit, that I always admired Sirius from afar. Not just because he told his opinion without restraint, but because of his character as a whole. He can be really kind and generous and he has a wide heart, when you exclude us Slytherins. But I can understand that, seeing how he was treated by his family, by us.

I should've told him there's one who really likes him, apart from Andromeda, who's out of the family as well.

But I didn't dare. I was so afraid that my parents could find out if I associated more with him and throw me out as well.

So I just observed him from the distance, watching how he interacted with his housemates and others. Everything I saw was so warm and filled with life that it tore me up inside.

Sometimes, when I came back to the Slytherin Common Room, to the coldness and the reserved politeness, I could do nothing but cry.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but sometime this spring I realized that I had fallen in love with him. I was devastaded when I was finally able to admit it to myself. I mean, it's not that we're cousins, that's really no problem, but it simply could never be.

We live in two completely separate worlds, we don't acknowledge each other (at least that's what the public thinks, because I always notice when he's there) and of course there's the fact that I simply would never have the strength to act upon my feelings.

I'm at least happy that he doesn't target me when he and his friends are playing another one of their pranks on my house. I don't know why I'm never one of their victims, perhaps it has something to do with me never joining in when Bellatrix and her friends started taunting him again, but I'm grateful for it anyway...

I have to tear my eyes away from him or I'll start crying again.

888

I couldn't sleep, I just felt so miserable and lonely again. I simply had to get out of here, and so I'm now walking the dark and deserted corridors of Hogwarts.

The castle really is reflecting my feelings. Dark and deserted. That's how my life is and will be to the end...

I don't have a set destination, I'm just going where my feet lead me, but as I round yet another corner, I come to an abrupt halt.

There, directly in front of me, is Sirius.

Am I dreaming?

He looks surprised, probably didn't expect to meet anyone here and for a moment we just stare at each other.

"What are you doíng here? I didn't think you Slytherins had it in you to break a school rule."

His voice is low and sarcastic and I don't know what to reply. I don't have the strength to put on my mask, to scoff or sneer at him and say something belittling of Gryffindors, like is expected of me. I just can't.

"I ... I couldn't sleep. And ... I wanted to .. I had to get out."

My voice is very quiet and timid and I can see that he wasn't counting on me saying something like that. He seems to be taken aback and somehow his face softens.

"Why? What do you mean?"

We have never spoken like this. Perhaps it's the night. In the darkness it's easier to reveal your soul...

I could back out now, say something non-commital and leave, but do I want that? This could be my only chance to really talk to him and I want to ... no, I have to have the strength to use this opportunity.

"It was just too much, I couldn't bear it anymore."

I was never this honest to anyone. But that's how it was today. My "friends" going on and on about the wedding, how lucky I am, how jealous they are, that I have such a great life before me, with all the luxury in the world and so on. It was just too much.

Somehow he looks worried. How can that be? Why should he be worried?

"I don't get it. What was too much? Did you look at too much wedding gowns and now all you see is white or what? You must be really happy, already planning and all..."

And this is the last straw. I can feel all my walls crumbling to the ground and the tears start flowing.

"You don't know anything!"

That's all I manage to get out between huge sobs. I can't help it. All the sorrow I've felt for the past weeks is coming up and I just cannot stop it.

Suddenly I feel arms coming around me and holding me tight.

"Cissa, what's wrong? Please, talk to me!"

I've never heard him this worried or anxious. Could it be? Could there be more? I want to tell him everything, like I should've done long in the past. He'll understand. But I have to wait till the sobs subside, and all the while he's holding me, stroking my hair. I've never felt this safe or this warm.

"I don't want it. I don't want any of this. I don't want to marry Lucius Malfoy. I hate him!"

I think I've managed to shock him for the second time this night.

"What? But ... how ... it was already announced! I thought ... I mean, you must've said yes ... so ... what?"

I know what he means.

"Do you really think they asked what I wanted? You know how our family is and how things work there. The marriage contract was drawn up without me being present and I had no choice but to agree."

I feel his grip on me tighten. He seems to be angry.

"You weren't asked? How can they do that! Are we in the Middle Ages or what? But ... I still don't quite get it. Isn't he a really good match by your standards?"

Well, now's the real moment of truth. I'll have to tell him what I've never told a single living soul.

"Sirius, do you even know what my standards are?"

He's silent for a moment. Probably contemplating what to say without sounding too spiteful.

"Well, he's rich, he's pure-blooded and leans heavily to the cause of a ... certain person. So I thought ..."

"I wish I was as strong as you."

That must seem off topic for him, but it sums it all up – in essential.

"Huh?"

"I wish I could state my opinion as clearly as you. Sirius, I hate Voldemort. I hate what he's doing, what he's doing to the Muggles. I hate the dark arts. I hate Lucius, because he'll draw me into this whole mess. I hate the image of becoming a "society lady", because it's nothing but becoming an empty shell. I hate my life."

I feel so relieved that I was finally able to say it out loud. I wonder what Sirius is thinking. If he was surprised before, he must be shell-shocked now. The silence drags on and on. If I said something wrong? But he's still holding me in his arms, so ...

"Narcissa ... I ... I never thought ... I never had any idea that ... that you thought like this. Why did you never say anything? I believed I was all alone in this shark-pit."

Well, now that I've started, I may as well reveal everything, though that's really not easy.

"I was scared. You have to understand that ... that I really hate the beliefs of our family, but that I somehow love the people, you know. I love my parents, I even love Bellatrix to a certain degree, and I depend on them. I couldn't just leave, like you did, though I wish it was different."

He has resumed stroking my hair. I never want this moment to end.

"But ... what about you? You'll die in there. Believe me, I know. You'll die on the inside, till you're just like them. Like you said, an empty shell, full of darkness. Do you want that?"

I feel a fresh bout of tears coming.

"No, I don't. But ... but ..."

I can't speak anymore, my tears are falling rapidly.

Suddenly I feel a finger under my chin, lifting my head up so that I'm looking directly into Sirius' eyes. They are so soft and filled with such warmth and caring and worry that I can do nothing but cry even harder.

"I don't want that for you. I don't want such a life for you. You're much too precious for that."

And then ... then he kisses me, oh so gently, and for a moment time seems to freeze. If I could stay like this forever, I'd be completely happy. All too soon for my liking he breaks away and looks into my eyes again.

"You have to get out of there, Narcissa."

I wish I could, but ...

"I can't, Sirius. I don't have your strength, I don't have your courage. I'm much too much afraid. They would throw me out and I could never see them again. I would be all alone and what should I do? I couldn't manage on my own, I'm not a strong person..."

It hurts, but that's the harsh truth.

"That's bullshit, Cissa. You're very strong. You managed to tell me all that, though we haven't spoken in almost two years. If that's not strong then I don't know what is. And besides, I would be there for you. I would do everything to help you. You would never be alone. And ... I mean I can somehow understand that you love them and all, but you can't let them ruin your life! Narcissa please! You have to leave! There's such a passionate girl behind your Slytherin mask and I couldn't bear to see her wither and die! Cissa!"

It sounds all so tempting, like a door has been opened a bit and I can see a sliver of light shining through. For a glorious moment I actually believe that perhaps ... but suddenly there's the voice of my mother in my head, "You're such a good girl, Narcissa. A true Black. You'll make us very proud."

And it's dark again.

I can't. It's breaking my heart, but ...

I step out of his embrace and look at him, tears still running over my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. But I can't."

And then I bolt.

I run away from him, from my only chance at happiness and freedom ... and love.

I'm a Black, and I'll do what's expected of me...

**THE END** – or not?

* * *

So, what do you think? Please leave a review! I have ideas for a sequel, which would probably be AU, but first I want your opininons. 


End file.
